wax worx – for the record 1 – mental health, healing and wellbeing

March 24, 2022 890 13 3

for the record #1

my blog, my story, my truth, my purpose….

So here I am… having just gone through 2 of the most traumatic years of my life, it was not until my brother Tim opened up about his past, that I was even able to begin to look at, let alone comprehend my own past wounds and trauma.

the story involves, child abuse, sexual abuse, and growing up in a neglectful environment, this is something I have only just began to be able to understand, and recognise, and I’m now 44.

I’m going to share my whole story in my blog but let me give you a little bit of background first, share where I’m at now, and some of the methods and things that have really helped me deal with loss, anxiety, stress, feelings of injustice and of low self-esteem.

So where to start? Well, many people know me as Wax Worx, a DJ producer from Brighton, who, before the pandemic had just played his dream gigs in Barcelona for Elrow.

That DJ’s name is Michael James Wall, I was born in Shoreham By Sea on the 27^th April 1977, I have 3 blood siblings, all more than 10 years my senior. I grew up in Lancing West Sussex until I was 11, we then moved to Shoreham-by-sea.

When I was 17 we lost our father, it was very sudden and a massive shock…. I want to be able to speak about this in more detail in future blog posts, as I don’t think enough of us are open about this subject…. later that same year, my brother Tim, who’s my next older sibling and I went away travelling. We backpacked around New Zealand for a few months, lived in a youth hostel in Sydney, Australia for a couple of years. I went on to live in Vancouver Canada for a while, then we met up again and spent three Summers / Winters in Magaluf & Andorra where my brother worked as a holiday rep, and I worked as a club resident DJ.

This experience of travelling together really cemented our bond, and after losing our dad, it was Tim who became my father figure.

When we both returned to the UK, we lived back at home with our mother, we both worked first as residential social workers in Children’s homes, then Tim worked as a support worker with Asylum Seekers & Refugees, I worked as a youth mentor at the same organisation for a few years.

This is where our paths started to take different directions, in 2007 I landed a dream job as a resident DJ for Ministry of Sound in Hurghada Egypt. I was there for three amazing years, DJing 6 nights a week, had the time of my life, and made some lifelong friendships.

Tim stayed in the UK for a while but then also got itchy feet, he set of to be a holiday rep again for a few years, working in Switzerland and Austria, he said these were some of the best years of his life.

He eventually came back home again, and for 1 year we were both living back at home with our mother, this was from 2011 – 2012.

This is when I found love, which is a whole story in itself, and my favourite! I will be sharing this story in my blog at some point, so get ready for some soppy Wax Worx!

Tim stayed on living at home with our mother, he got away for the trip of his life in 2013, visiting our homeland of Myanmar (Burma) which is where our father was born and raised until the 2^nd world war broke out and he and the family had to leave, yes, another story!

While I was falling in love, getting married at Burning Man and achieving my dreams as DJ, my brother Tim stayed on at home with our mother, this is where he was still living, when the pandemic first broke out and we went into the first lockdown in March 2020.

I will continue from here in my next blog, but what happened next was the biggest crisis to hit our family since we lost our father 28-years ago.

Which leads me nicely on to why do I feel so good here today? after having gone through the biggest crises of my life, a mental health nightmare, failings of the state services, the worst treatment by some of those who are supposed to love and support me unconditionally, and worst of all the loss of my brother Tim, in sudden, still not fully explained circumstances on October 30th 2020.

How? after having dealt with these things, uncovering my own past wounds, is it that I am now stronger than ever?

First and most important of all is LOVE, if it was not for the love, care and understanding of my amazing soul mate, my best friend, my wife, would I still be here? Maybe not is the reality.

She has not only had to sit and watch me go through hideous amounts of pain and suffering, she’s also been under attack and prevented from supporting me and my brother Tim.

Next there’s the love of my extended blood family, reaching out to them after we lost Tim has been a huge part of healing journey, the re connection, love and support I’ve had from them has made an immeasurable difference! Thank you all of you!

Then there’s the relationship I now have with my foster brother Ross, He was one of the last to be fostered by my mother, and one of the only ones who really stayed in any regular contact with her, he was, along with Tim and myself, part of her support and care network.

We had always had a relationship prior to what unfolded from March 2020, but he went through everything with me, every step of the way, and we are now as close as brothers can be. His love, support and understanding have been crucial in supporting not just me, but also my wife, and we are both hugely grateful to him and proud of the man he is today.

Then there’s love of my closest friends, one of the hardest days for me in the last 2 years was my brother Tim’s funeral, I was told by some members of my family that I was not welcome, when I turned up I was refused entry… my heart broke again. I stood outside respectfully and greeted the mourners as they arrived, but me not being allowed in the building was not enough for some people, The Police were called and we were asked to move along, I was permitted to do as I had intended, and I finished greeting the remaining mourners, we then had to leave.

I will explain this situation in more detail in a future post, but there are videos of what happened on my social media channels.

The important thing right here is we are talking about love, and if was not for the love of and support some of my best and closest friends, I would not have made it through that day, or the last 2 years. I’m lucky to have some really good relationships in my life, and I’m hugely grateful to you all.

Then last but in no means least, is the love I have gained from my on-line community, having spoken out a little about what I was going through on social media, and from people supporting me, reaching out to me with their own stories, this has really helped me find my own strength to speak out. So again, Thank you!

The next most important thing that has got me through is truth! Which, when people really understand the root cause of what I’ve been through is quite ironic!

What I mean is, being truthful, being open and honest with everyone through this crisis is what has literally saved my sanity. Truth is one of the biggest reasons, I am today, able to speak open and honestly about what I have been through.

The next thing is communication, it’s good to talk! as soon as someone is not willing to talk openly about things, especially in a crisis, it is a huge red flag.

The crisis that exploded into my life in March 2020 was that of my brother Tim’s mental health, without going into the details here it escalated very quickly, he was admitted into Meadowfield hospital in May 2020. What unfolded next was a complete shutdown by my family to address what the cause was for my brother Tim’s mental health breakdown.

I’m going to explain these events in my next blog, but I was from that moment prevented from speaking with my bother Tim ever again.

I have covered briefly here what I feel are some of the most important thigs I wanted to share, in my upcoming blogs I will be telling for the first time, what really happened to my brother Tim in the months leading to his death, but also more things that have helped me, methods to help cope with stress and anxiety, and loss.

So, Here’s the first coping method I would like to share with you.. Breathing! So simple but SO Important, I first got into this just as the first lockdown hit when I discovered the legend that is Wim Hoff (The Ice Man) and it his simple 10 min breathing exercise that I do almost every day.

Here’s my video about it

Here’s the link to the full, 10min guided session with Wim. wim hoff guided breathing

Lastly, I would like to thank you for joining my mailing list and community, for taking the time to read my first ever blog! to all of you who have reached out with support as well as your own stories. Please do let me know what you think so far? if any of this resonates or is helpful to you. If you have any part of your own story or healing methods, you would like to share with me, and the community please get in touch!

Hugs and blessings,

Michael.

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Written by: mike wall

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