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wax worx – for the record 2

todayApril 30, 2022 768 12 3

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for the record #2

my blog, my story, my truth, my purpose…. what happned to Tim?

I’ve sat down many times to try and write this blog; it’s now taken me a month since publishing part one to complete it.

This is not only because of how painful and re-traumatising it is, but also because it’s never been my intention for anyone else to suffer, but sometimes the truth hurts.

 The truth of what happened to tim has never been told, and it’s in the honour of his truth, and his legacy that I do so now. 

I do this today not only to release my own pain, but to stand up for my brother and share our pain, with the hope it will go on to help someone else. I did and will never stop loving him, and my heart and soul knows that he is now forever by my side in spirit, I will always do the best i can to honour him and my father before him, to be the best son and brother I can be, I draw on their love and strength to do that.

Tim was desperately trying to speak about his sexual abuse in the months before he passed, he was shut down by my immediate family from doing so, the mental health services ignored what he was saying, the Police failed to act.

One of the root causes of my brother’s mental health breakdown was that he was sexually abused as a child from the age of 10 to 13.

 

I said in my first blog that I would continue here from March 2020, and the events that led to my brother being admitted to hospital, I’ve sat down and written 5 draughts so far! This is because it’s still so hard to comprehend what happened to him, and me.

To re-live these memories without feeling the pain is not possible, but what I want from this is to share Tim’s truth, our truth, as he is no longer able, and I have to do this for us both, I am the only one that can now.

As far as the “family”, the police who failed to investigate his death, and the coroner are concerned, they want to say that my brother took his own life, and that his mental health problems stemmed from being in debt, smoking too much weed, and his little brother not being nice to him!  My sister has stated that I tortured him in the 6 months leading up to his death, and my nephew says that my wife phoned him encouraging him to take his own life, all complete pathological lies, we had both been forbidden to see, talk or communicate with each other, first by my mother, then by the police! We were cut off from each other, and both being fed a pack of deep, deceitful and twisted lies.

My mother has gone as far to say to the police, and the coroner, that she blames me and my wife 100% for Tim taking his own life, she blamed my wife for everything since the moment it kicked off, to begin with, she wanted to destroy my marriage, when that failed, when I stood by my innocent wife, she then turned on me.

She carried on talking to me though, until the day he died

Since that day she has refused to speak to me, and says that I’m no longer her son,

#Supermum isn’t she..

To those reading this who do not know me, know anything about the situation, they may ask themselves, why would a mother act this way towards her youngest son, there must be another side to the story?

There is, her statement, her story, is a false reality, a fabrication, I now know that the deep and highly covert personality disorder that she displays stems back all of our lives.

She is refusing to talk to anyone about it, she pretends it’s because it too painful for her, just like she did when my Dad died.

Well, I now understand, that she brought us up to serve her only, she saw us as possessions to do her bidding, she never showed us any love, but sadly, we never stopped trying to get it…

Now one son is dead, at 54 and she could not care less.  She didn’t even go to his funeral or his inquest, she lied about the day he died to the police on her statement, and she has tried to destroy my life ever since, as if she wants me dead too.

This is what happened in the months leading to Tim being admitted into Meadowfield Hospital in May 2020, these are the facts.

In February 20, my wife and I returned from our first dream holiday in Zanzibar, we’d only been married 6 yrs.  I had just had the DJ gig of my life playing on Christmas day at midnight, for elrow in Barcelona, and as many of my friends know, I was in the best mental and physical condition of my entire life.

Tim however had been signed off from his work, he was at this point a Leading Care Support worker with West Sussex County Council.  When in the UK he’d always worked in care roles, but he’d be signed off by the GP for over a year at this point.  Firstly due to what he said was a bad back, but he later told us that it was actually due to anxiety and depression, and that he had been accessing support through Sussex NHS “Time To Talk” online therapy sessions since 2018.

It was when I returned from Zanzibar that I could really see a drastic change in him, before this I had been worried, he’d become grumpy and out of sorts a lot, but now he looked really unwell, he had lost a load of weight, looked gaunt and a was shadow of his former self.  This is when he started to open up to me; he told me about his therapy sessions and said he was on anti-depressants, he said at the time it was due to stress from his job, that there was too much pressure and he felt he could not help the young people, in the way that he wanted to.

He did tell me that he realised he had not been himself for some years now, he had stopped going out and socialising, that he had felt stuck in a rut of going to work, coming home, and taking his dog Charlie for a walk and watching TV.

He also started to open up to me on how worried he was about our mothers physical and mental health, he then said that he was going to quit his job and become her full-time carer.

I did not agree this was a good idea at this stage, our mother was not in need of full-time care, she is old yes, but currently lives on her own in a four-bedroom house. I also did not think he should be retiring at 53, to give up his career to stay home with our mother, that it would not be good for his mental health, and that even if she needed full time support, she had three other children to help, so it should never all be on his shoulders only.

He was quite adamant of what he wanted to do though and said, “it was his decision if he wanted to do so.”

It was when we went into lockdown that Tim’s mental health really took a turn for the worse, the medication he was taking Sertraline, was making him ‘Hyper” he had gone from being very quiet, subdued and sitting alone in his room, to having excess energy, was talking very fast and not making much sense.

He also started to engage in some very risky behaviour, I’m not going into these details as they are not important, what is important is to know that he was not in his right mind at the time, this was very clear to me, as I am the person who knew him far better than anyone else in the universe, the closest personal relative.

One of the first things he asked me to do to support him was to write him a letter, he said his therapist had told him to ask all the family to do so, to write a letter saying what changes they had seen in him over the last few years since he was living back at home, my letter was entitled ‘My Superhero’

After I gave him this letter, he opened up to me even more, he said that had been suffering from high levels of anxiety to the point he felt unsafe in the house, as well as suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder.

It was at this point I suggested that the medication might not be helping, that he should speak to his GP about it, maybe get it reduced. Tim did this and it is all recorded in his medical notes at the time, also that he was being open about his struggles and anxiety that was linked to the worry over our mother, and feeling like he was a burden on her.

My mother called me about a week later, on the 27th of April 2020 (My birthday)  This was the first time my mother has EVER called me in my life, she proceeded to tell me that, in her exact words “It’s come to a head with your brother”

I went straight over that day and spoke with Tim, he had smashed up his bedroom and confessed to me that had shaken our mother by the shoulders, he demonstrated this on me. He then disclosed the sexual abuse that had happened to him, he said that I must not tell our mother, that in his words “It would kill her” and that there was “so much more to come out.”

He asked me to leave him on his own for a bit again and I went to speak with my mother, I started to ask her about the finances and her medication, as I was worried that Tim was not in a fit state of mind to manage these for her, he came into the kitchen shouting “Control, Control” and wanted me to keep my nose out.

He then looked at my wife and shouted at her, “it’s all your fault, you’re ******* the name of his ex-fiance, then went back to his room, I followed him and he said that my wife’s face had changed into *********’s and it had frightened him, I tried to reassure him saying he was safe, that my wife was not his ex-girlfriend and would not hurt him.

He said he knew he was not well but felt he was coping, he said he would rather be manic than feel down, at the same time he was also saying he had monkeys on his shoulders, my mother said she had them too, and they were telling them what to do, he was Saying “don’t blame me blame my brain” and was calling his bedroom “the devil room” and was hearing voices.

He did eventually calm down and said he was sorry, but he just needed some time and space, I was in total shock; I was scared and worried for both him and my then 82year old mother with who he was living with. My foster brother Ross was also there that day, my mother had called him the night before and asked him to come over and stay, this was the first time she had ever asked him to do this, and the first time she had ever phoned him too.

It was agreed that Ross would stay again overnight so that everyone was safe, and that I would come back the next day.

I got in touch with his GP, both myself and Tim were in contact with them over the next couple of weeks, Tim gave the GP full permission for them to discuss his medical and mental health situation with me only.

I know now, as I have the full notes of the conversations Tim was having with the GP, that they failed him massively.  It was clear he was going from being very manic, to really calm within seconds, not a trait related to bi-polar disorder but more typical of PTSD. It is also in his “Time To Talk” notes that he was telling them, that’s what he thought he was suffering from.

It was at this point that I alerted my other siblings of what was going on. I told them how worried I was, but said Tim seemed to be open to getting support, and that I was trying to help him do this.

The next day Tim sent this message to us all.

I now know that in a call on the 1st of May he called his doctor to report having flashbacks of child sexual abuse when he was 10, it says in their notes that doctor felt it sounded “consensual” possibly child’s play, rather than abuse!

Over the next couple of days Tim seemed calmer, he said that the therapy sessions and support from me were really helping, and that he almost felt ready to talk to the whole family.

On the 4th of May he was signed off from Time To Talk, but he was then requesting face to face counselling instead. On that day myself and my wife turned up at the house in the afternoon, Tim was in the kitchen shouting, we walked in, and he threw a chair across the kitchen and stormed out into the garden, my sister was sitting there crying and my mother was shaking.

My wife stayed with my mother and sister while I went out into the garden to speak to my brother, he was shouting “Control, Control’ I asked what was wrong and he said he did not want everyone getting involved in his business. I said that I was really worried about him as I’ve not seen him this angry before, he stormed through the house and went into his bedroom, myself and my wife followed him, but he was extremely angry, shouting and swearing and telling us the leave him alone, he picked up an empty drawer and started swinging it at me and then started foaming at the mouth.

I was seriously frightened, I just wanted to calm him down and make him safe, my social work training kicked straight in, I knelt on the floor to show I was not threatening to him and spoke slowly and calmly and tried to reassure him, he even said he could see that I was using the same social work training we had both had, on him.

My wife had immediately left the room and run for help, my mother and sister had already moved into the garden, so mum would not hear him, my wife went out the front and alerted our next-door neighbour, an ex-policeman.

At this point Tim had called 999, he said that I was triggering him and that he wanted me to leave him alone.

The ex-policeman neighbour came into the room and took one look at Tim and said, “I think you need to go to hospital mate” together we all managed to calm Tim down, but the police were already on the way.

When they turned up, Tim and I were sat in his front room, not the one he had smashed up.

Tim told the police something in private and was showing them messages on his phone.

I explained the situation to them, but I didn’t take them into the room he had smashed up, because the last thing I wanted was my brother to be sectioned against his will, I knew he was at crisis point, and I just wanted him and mum to be safe and get support ,and the help that he so obviously desperately needed, I was so frightened for them both Tim.

It was eventually decided by the police that my mother should come with me to my house, in that way Tim could calm down and have some space, and we would all know that our mother was safe, they then left.

My mother then immediately changed her mind, collapsed into her chair as we were putting her things in her handbag and said “I can’t leave him” she started to shake and was clutching her chest.  She then said it was my wife’s fault for putting her medication in her handbag and she thought we were going to “keep her away for longer than she wanted”

I was still in full shock and had no choice but to agree, at this point I just wanted her to be ok, but because Tim was being so aggressive, I arranged again for Ross to come over and stay the night, I wanted to stay myself, but Tim at this point was saying my wife was a trigger and wanted us to leave.

The next day the whole family went to the house, Tim was calmer but was still saying he thought I was trying to make him unwell, make him go to hospital when he did not need to.

The family and Tim had been speaking to his GP on this day, and it was decided that a mental health assessment team would come to see him.

On that day they assessed him as being hyper manic and displaying “paranoid ideation” of his little brother and wife. It was decided that he would have to go to hospital informally, by his own accord, if not that he would be sectioned and detained under the mental health act.

It was our older brother who sat in with him during that assessment, the rest of us were with my mother in her bedroom, he walked in and stated “that the only way I can describe it mum is that you’re a battered housewife” I was reeling.

Tim was supposed to go into hospital that night, I was told by my other brother that they had not been able to find a bed for him until tomorrow, I know now from his doctors’ notes that this was a lie, and that in fact he was refusing to go.

It was recorded on his notes that a team would be sent the following day to section him if he did not go of his own accord, police had raised safeguarding concerns for my mother. All I had wanted was him to be assessed, but I now know my older brother was “crazy making’ him and wanted him to be sectioned, gas lighting him constantly.

Unaware of what was going on behind my back, I agreed to leave that night and come back in the morning to take Tim to the hospital with me.

When I turned up the next day the madness escalated, and it was not my brother Tim’s. When we got to my mums house, the door was locked, bolted. I knocked and rang the bell, but nobody answered, I was so frightened.  I went through the side gate and could see my mother sat at the kitchen table, my foster brother Ross was standing with her looking frightened and Tim was walking around shouting. My wife called 999 and asked for an ambulance.

I tried to speak calmly to my brother through the window, saying not to be scared, that everything would be ok, I told him that I did not want him to be sectioned, if he went voluntarily, it would be much better for him, but he did not want to listen.

By this point my brother and sister had turned up, and were let into the house, which at the time made me feel a bit safer. Myself and my wife were left outside though, nobody would let us in, we could see Ross was crying and begging my mother to do so. My wife and I were left sat outside and I was being forced to talk to my mother through the cat flap in the kitchen door.

I then realised that Tim had gone into what he was still calling “the devil room” and was alone in there.  I shouted through the window at my eldest brother “Tim’s alone is his room, someone needs to be with him, he might try and hurt himself” to which he retorted “LET HIM”

The Police and ambulance then turned up but said they had no power to remove Tim, and that we should, in their words “Skidaddle” to end of the road until the mental health team arrive. We walked up to the end of the road and sat on the beach, waiting.

The mental health team eventually came, and I was advised by the crisis team that Tim had agreed to go. It was not until just after 7pm that night, that my eldest brother text me to say he was going to drive him to the hospital, he did so and dropped him off at the door.

Tim was admitted to Meadowfield hospital as a voluntary patient, but we were prevented from speaking to each other ever again.

I now know that when my brothers GP spoke to our mother, she lied, she told them that he had not been hallucinating, and that she felt that he was fine and did not need to go into hospital.

I was then prevented from having any information about how he was, as he had swiftly changed his mind that he did not want any information shared, despite him giving the GP full authority to discuss and share his medical needs with me the day before.

In fact, even while he was delirious, when asked what to do in an emergency he gave them a phone number to call – that phone number was MINE, I WAS HIS EMERGENCY NUMBER.

Before being admitted he had told the GP only to share information with me, not with his mother or other siblings.

The next day I sent Tim a message, and a video of me walking his dog for him:

Over the next few weeks, I was at my mother’s every day to make sure she was eating and also to give the house a good clean, my wife helped me, making meals she could freeze, and have as she wanted, she cleaned her bedroom and tried to make her feel looked after.

Tim was looking after all her financial affairs, I began to try to grasp what was going with them.  What I found when looking through her bank statements was there were large amounts of cash being taken from my mother’s equity release mortgage account, this money was said to be for the conservatory conversion she was having done at the time, which was a total bodge job, and not worth in anyway what seemed to be being spent on it.

I was told the builders name, it was a man called Steve, a person my mother has known for many years from when he was in a children’s home in Lancing.  She called him the ‘Scarlett Pimpernel’. I have clear memories of my mother taking me to the beach in Lancing behind that children’s home, it was the only time my sister would come with us, because she had a crush on Steve, and I know he is still a very close friend of my sisters.  Over £6k had been drawn out in cash and given to Steve through my sister.  When I asked her for the invoice and receipts and number of this builder she said it was a cash job and refused to give me his contact.

It did at the time very much look like Tim was spending a lot of our mother’s money, I discovered that  he had solo Lasting power of Attorney and was the only one with authority to use her cards and able to draw money out of her bank.  There were also numerous parcels turning up the house from Amazon, including one day while he was in hospital, a full size drum kit arrived. She was also letting him use her bankcards while he was in hospital to order takeaways, it was all very strange and worrying.

I called a family meeting and I attempted to address these issues, everything we needed to get into place for our mother’s welfare, and what Tim would do when he was released from hospital.   My elder siblings then all tried to say that it was my wife that was the problem, that she was Tim’s “trigger” and that she was no longer welcome at the house or in the family!

When I asked them why they thought my 5ft2, petite wife was a trigger they said “She has scary eyes” and that she was staring at our mother through the window when we were locked out.

My wife’s eyes were scared, but not scary, she had never ever been anything but super caring to my family, she’s made me a better man, this was incredulous to hear from them, my fear escalated.

Then, the next night Tim text me from hospital, the first time he’d made contact since going in.  The texts started at 2am and went through the early hours of the morning till 7am.

This was the first one of those texts.

I was extremely afraid, this was so totally out of character for my brother, we had hardly ever raised our voice to each other in our lives, never fought, let alone made this kind of threat.  His aggression towards my wife was seriously frightening at this point, I did not sleep that night through fear.

The next morning my wife rang the hospital to inform them about the psychotic messages, they said there was not anything they could do about it, that we should either just block him or call the police, then put the phone down on us.

This was one of the first of many, major failings by the Sussex Mental Health services, they never even recorded this phone call.  If they had spoken with me, they would have known how close we were, that I was the one who raised the alarm, I knew the reality of how out of character Tim actually was, and that it was me that he had wanted to help him get help.

Instead, this was totally ignored by the hospital, they failed to inform his psychiatrist, who, the next day after only seeing him twice, for less than one hour, diagnosed him as being bi-polar.

I had no information shared with me about Tim’s care or likely release date from anyone, I’d been totally shut out. I was really scared, I knew this behaviour was completely out of character, and was very aware of how dangerous things could become, I was left with no other option but to report it to the police.

When the police called me back, they said they would come and take a statement. I asked them to come to my mother’s address to do this, as I wanted them to be aware of the danger that I felt she was in at the time.

The officer who attended that day was PC Dan Gayle, he seemed nice and appeared to have some grasp that my mother’s situation was not safe, this was after being shown around the house and shown the devil room.

He asked us if we wanted to press charges against Tim, I did not want to and was not sure that would be a resolution to the problem, I was scared it could make things worse.  My wife did not want to discuss it in front of my mother, so we asked that we be given some time to think about this.

In the meantime that week I had been in regular contact with my mother’s GP, I had also arranged for him to come to the house, even though we were in lockdown, as I was so concerned about my mother’s health as she was continuous shaking in front of me and saying she could not eat anything but a banana.  I also wanted to highlight her living conditions, and my concern for the impact of what was happening with Tim would be having on her.

He came and sat with my mother, went through her medication, and asked her what was causing her to shake. First she said it was anxiety, when asked what from, her face changed, she turned, pointed at me and snarled “It’s all because of him” The doctor and I were both shocked by this, I could see it on his face.

The doctor said he was very concerned, especially about her heart with her being 82, so he suggested that she come into the practice to have a heart monitor reading. He asked if she would be happy for me to take her, and she said yes, as if she had completely forgotten about what she had just said about me before. She also gave the doctor a signed letter giving me full authorisation to discuss her medical needs with him.

It was all so strange and confusing for me, at this point I still believed my mother loved me, they are supposed to right? I thought she knew that all I wanted was the best for them both, I could not have been more wrong, her manipulation on us all I now know runs so deep.

I took her to the doctor’s surgery the next day, as we walked in she almost collapsed and I had to literally carry her in, I was so scared we were about to lose her. This is something I know now was all just an act.

When they did the heart monitor, they said “Everything looks fine, we just want to arrange a hospital appointment for you next week to be sure” to which my mother agreed.

That same day Tim was let out of hospital on day release, he came to my mother’s while we were out at the doctors and took some of his possessions and his dog Charlie.  He left a note to mother saying not to worry about him, that he would bring the dog back later, also a note for me saying he that he loved me, but that he had to be selfish.

Tim was released from hospital at the start of June 2020, into the ‘care in the community’ Initially away from our mother in a rented flat at the end of her road.  When he was living there, he says in his notes that he felt better, more in control of his life and even thinking about returning to work and travelling again.

He still did not want to talk to, or see me though, why you ask if he was feeling better? That’s what I was asking too?

I now know that my mother and siblings had been telling him that I wanted to make him unwell, that I wanted him away from our mother and that I wanted him sectioned. They were telling him that my wife and I wanted him out because we wanted to move in with her and wanted her money! All pure unadulterated lies and gaslighting, that are documented in his notes.

This is the bottom line, my mother wanted him to stay at home with her, not to have his own life.

My other siblings just wanted us both out of the way, for inheritance and pure jealousy reasons mainly.

None of them wanted us to talk to each other again, because none of them wanted the truth to come out, when you live a lie like they do you will do literally anything to protect it.

The day Tim was released, my authorisation to speak to her doctors about her medical needs was revoked. I was calling them to find out about the rules of taking her to hospital for her heart appointment.

I was only permitted to go to my mums after Tim’s release if I called first, to make sure he was not there.  I kept telling my mother that I just wanted to speak to my brother, but her and the elder siblings kept telling me I was not allowed, that I was the “trigger” and so was my wife.

Then in one phone call my mum agreed that me and Tim should speak, we arranged a time for me to go over, but when I arrived he was not there. I found out later he had gone to my sisters, whether he had been told, or realised I was coming over to talk to him I do not know.

After a while I had had enough, I just wanted to see what was going on with my mum! I drove over with my wife and went in while my wife stayed outside.  I had my own front door key, my mum was in her bedroom, as soon as she saw me she started to shake, she said “Tim will be home soon, you have to go” she said “Sacha can’t be near the house” I tried to talk calmly and softly to her, I asked her “Why is this happening mum? Why can’t I come and see you” she said, “It’s because of the family, it’s all changed now”

She was not wrong, in the space of three months my life had been turned upside down, the whole family had.  I had gone from seeing my mum 2 to 3 times a week, me and Tim and my foster brother Ross helping, supporting her for the last 20 years, and never seeing or even knowing my other siblings, to me being shut out by them from the family home, told myself and my wife were not welcome and that I had to stay away because we were the problem and upset mum and Tim, the person who I was closest too in the whole world till then, he’d never even liked my siblings before, this was pure madness.

I was only with my mother for a few moments, it was the last time I ever got to sit with her alone, this was in June 2020.

As we left her house that day, Tim pulled into the road, we were at the end at the shops, I thought this was my only chance to speak to him, so I walked out into the road and flagged him down, he stopped, I said “I just want to talk to you bro, please pull over” he shouted out of his window “you put me in hospital, you need to stay away!” he looked angry and volatile but also scared, my wife was out of the car at this point and walked over, Tim started shouting at her and was saying “especially you! Just leave me alone” he revved his engine and drove towards my wife, she got out of the way.

By this point there were cars backed up the road to the junction, Tim sped off towards my mother house, I was again in total shock and frightened of what would happen next, a nurse passer-by told me to call the police.

We walked down the road towards my mothers and as we got to the house, we could hear Tim shouting; I was on the phone to the police the whole time and was recording the incident on video.

The door was locked, I could see my mum in her bedroom but could not see Tim, I could just hear him shouting.

Next thing my sister turns up, with her husband, this was the first time he had shown his face in anyway over the last few weeks while the family was in crisis.

My sister started to shout at us, fully aggressive, saying that we were the problem and to just go away, she called my wife demented and told me that I had no right to be there. I shit you not.

The police turned up, we waited outside in the car, they eventually came out, said they did not feel anyone was in immediate danger, as my sister was there with my mother, so we should go home.

That was the last time i set eyes on my brother Tim…

The next time I spoke with my mother she said it was because of my wife, that this was all her fault and that we had to stay away. I was confused, I asked how she was going to get to the hospital for her heart appointment and she said Tim was going to take her.

I could not believe what I was hearing! He had only been out of hospital himself for one week, in that time he had bought an Audi TT convertible with cash. I knew that due to his “Diagnosis” and the fact he was on very strong medication, plus smoking more weed than usual at the time, that not only was it not safe for him to be driving our 82year old mother to hospital, but that it was also probably illegal as you must notify the DVLA of your condition and have different insurance, sometimes you have to wait until you well enough to be declared fit to drive.

I called another family meeting, this time my sister suggested that we meet at the wide water kiosk, this is a 5 min walk from her house on Shoreham beach, also 5 mins away from where my brother passed away just 5 months later, but I digress.

That day it was raining, so it was decided that we would meet at my sisters house, the meeting would be myself, Sacha, and my 2 older siblings.

It was in this meeting my older siblings started to show their true colours, for those that know me and Tim well, they know that neither of us had been close to our other 2 siblings for the last 25 years, both moved out from home when we moved to Shoreham Beach, we lived there with our mother and the foster children at the time.

It is important to understand, that even though they are my brother & sister, the fact is, that I did not really know them well at all.

We recorded this whole meeting. In it we sat and wanted to ask why they thought it was better that our, at the time, mentally unwell brother drive our mother to the hospital, and not myself.

They said things like, well “Tim is mums full-time career, and “they will only let him go in with her”, my brother said this, and I quote “Well what if the rest of us lived in Australia” he is almost 60 years old.

This is where things got dark, we sat there and were verbally abused, they told my wife that here meals were thrown in the bin, gas lighting by them both for the next 40 mins, they said that the reason we did not want Tim to live with our mother was because we wanted to move in with her, that we were after her money!

They then said that my wife, who had met them twice, was after money for IVF, how low can people go!!

I kept my cool and continued to try and reason with them, one of the most important things I said was, that by the family letting Tim believe I wanted to make him unwell, was the WORST thing they could do for his mental health, that they knew this was totally untrue, and I asked that they at least make sure he knew this.

My sister said “It’s up to him to believe whatever he wants” I said what, like that he has monkeys on shoulders and that my wife is out to get him”

At this point my brother said “Well you attacked him” I was completely dumbfounded! You know that’s not true, why would you say something like this? I turned to my sister, you were there, I said! I kept asking Mark to explain exactly when and how he thinks I attacked Tim? but he could not answer, it was then suggested that I owe my mother money and so did my wife! At this point Sacha was not going to take any more, she stood up and said “If you think I owe your mother any money I will go round there now and sort it out with her!”

What happened next was horrific, she got up to leave, we were in the lounge on the second floor, she got up to walk down the stairs and at the bottom, blocking her exit were my sisters husband and my nephew.  You can hear exactly what happened on the recording, they shouted abuse at her but was blocking here exit as she tried to leave, within 30 seconds my sisters husband grabbed her picked her up and threw her bodily out of the front door, it was at this point she screamed out to me for help, I ran down the stairs, he had my wife lifted off the ground and was holding her from behind and dragging her up the drive way, you hear me shout “What’s going on? Can everyone please calm down” to which you hear my nephew say “you can fuck off as well, you cunt” that’s the most words he has said to me in years!

At this point my only concern was for my wife’s safety, I shouted out for him to let her go, he did and as I walked past he said “She called me a cunt” to which I replied “Well?”

We ran to our car and got out of there, in hindsight we should have just called 999, as we were leaving my nephew was shouting “Go on, fuck off, just go and press play”

What my wife went through that day was horrific, we still have not had any justice, the full details of what happened on this day are in her blog here: https://istreemradio.com/action-against-domestic-abuse-sacha-speaks-out/

We were in shock! We drove back to Henfield as we just wanted to get home and be safe, we called the police

I know now that we were being gaslighted by them deliberately, it was a planned ambush attack I believe meant for me, to scare me further and keep me away.

The long and short of this was the police firstly took 4 weeks to even bring him in for questioning, they also brought my brother Tim in at the same time, regarding his threatening messages to me, when he had nothing to do with the crime we were reporting at that time.

They then came back to us and said that my sister’s husband had claimed ‘Lawful ejection’ and had accused my wife of ‘kicking his front door’ they said that on these grounds they did not have enough evidence to prosecute, even though we had a full audio recording, one in which you never hear anyone kick a door, or say, stop kicking the door, also my wife had said she was leaving the property, you can’t lawfully eject a person who is already trying to  leave, simple as that.

This sadly is one of many frustrations we have had with Sussex Police, they have failed to protect us from this day on.

At this point I was being told to stay away from my mother and Tim, we were both told we were not welcome at the house, I was in pieces! I could not make sense of what was going on, I was never close to my other siblings, but I never dreamt they could act this way and be so cold and heartless towards me and my wife.

Then there was my mother, I was still speaking to her regularly on the phone, I would ask her why I had to stay away and first she was saying “Because of Tim, you must let me do it my way” but it then became, “It’s because of the family”

After the meeting,  we were told by the police to stay away for our own safety, we thought it would be a prosecution on my sister’s husband, we had stayed away completely, I even stopped calling my mum for a while.

When I did call her to tell her what had happened, she said this “Well she must have done something to deserve it!” I was in shock, I could not believe that the mother, the one I thought had raised me to always be a kind and good man would say that this was ok for any reason, it did not make any sense, I was broken.

From the end of July 2020 till the day my brother passed I did not get to see either of them, I was in phone contact with my mother, but less and less as every time I called her I was in pain, one of the last calls I was crying and begging her to let me come and see her, she just said “Just call me after the weekend and tell me about your DJing”

In early September I called my mother, she answered but said, “oh the lines really bad, I cannot hear you, there’s a problem with the line, it will be fixed in a few days”, and she hung up.

I was again really scared, one of the things that happened in the weeks before Tim went into hospital was that he had said the phone lines were down, Tim had said he did it by accident when he was doing some work in the garden, but he also told me he had smashed up his i Pad and iPhones.

I tried to call his mobile, but he did not answer, I left him a text saying I knew he was there, to please get mum to call me from his phone.

Nobody called, so we asked our good friend, who has worked for 20 years as a social worker, who now works for Cafcass, to call the house for me, to see if they answer and if they can hear her.  She did this, she called us straight back and told us Tim had answered, she could hear him clearly and said they spoke for a couple of minutes, she pretended she had the wrong number.

We called BT, they told us that a report had only just been made about a fault on the line, that the number had now been diverted to my sister.

We contacted the police, we were scared, the last time this happened was just before Tim’s mental health escalated and he had told me he shook our mother.

The police again did nothing, they said they had sent a ‘Welfare” check on my mother and that she appeared to be fine.

The one thing the officer dealing with this case did do, was ask that West Sussex mediation services get involved.  They wanted to set up to mediation for the whole family, at the time I said the most important thing would be to set up mediation between Tim and myself.

What was happening in the house over the next few days is really dark, I did not find this information out until my brothers doctors notes were released to me as part of his inquest but these are the facts, that weekend, when the lines were reportedly “down for maintenance in the whole road”, according to my mother and oldest brother, Tim reported a few days later that he attempted to take an overdose!

In his notes it is stated that he called the GP to tell them what he had done a few days after. He told them “I don’t know why I did this, I was smoking a lot and drinking”, he said he did not want to actually take his own life, he did not want to die and that he would never do that to his family”

I did not get this information until February 2021, my mother, and other siblings did not tell anyone else about this happening, not the doctor, when Tim did call and they spoke to them they admitted he had been incoherent but done nothing, why??

A few days later on 12th September 20 I received a text message from my eldest brother.  It said that Tim was moving back in with mum and that I had been cut out of her WILL

More shock! I could not believe what was happening, I felt like my world was completely turned upside down, it was not being cut from the WILL that I cared about, my mother had little money at the time, she was in a equity release mortgage and a pension as far as I knew.  I had actually suggested at one of the first family meetings that she maybe sell the place, get somewhere smaller, more manageable, that then she would have money to take care of herself in her old age, Tim could move out and stand on his own 2 feet, this would have been the best scenario for all concerned.

I was extremely angry at my oldest brother though, I could not understand the way he was acting, they were still trying to make it look like it was all Tim’s fault that I was being cut out of the family. This is the sick twist in the game they were all playing at the time, I know now that my mother was and always has been the main instigator for the deceit, telling me I could not see her because of what was going on with Tim, telling him that it was all mine and my wife’s fault he had got admitted to hospital ,and that we were just out to get him.

At this time the whole country was going through the first phases of the “pandemic” I had lost all my DJ gigs and times were hard enough, I got involved with the We Make Events Campaign and was asked to provide a track for it, which I did, it was the only track I had managed to make in the last 6 months, it’s called “Get Up GO MAD!” which really summed up how I was feeling at the time.

This is the track: https://istreemradio.com/product/wax-worx-get-up-go-mad-limited-edition-signed-vinyl/

As I always did, when I felt I had achieved something, I called my mother to tell her it was going to be on the BBC, she just said “Oh that’s good” and I was unable to make any conversation with her.

The track went on to help raise money for a memorial well, in Uganda in Tim’s and Alusines name, one that supply fresh drinking water to a whole village.

Having been through so much we decided to take a holiday, we managed to book a week away in Corfu, Greece, it was a lovely week, but the whole time I had literally no appetite, which was gutting when you’re in an all-inclusive! Especially for someone like me who loves his food!

On the last night of the holiday I had what I know to be ‘A Dark Night Of The Soul” I was in bed sweating, I could not sleep, I kept having visions of my mother and remember feeling like I was never going to get to see her again, my wife was really worried for me, she suggested that I go round to my brother Marks when we get back, and to see what he had to say face to face about this situation!

We did just that, I was not happy with him to say the least, but I just wanted to opportunity to say exactly how I was feeling about the whole situation, having already been accused by him of so many things, we recorded this whole meeting on video.

He answered the door and was polite, as were we.  We went inside and were offered a cup of tea by his wife. I started by saying I could not believe where things had escalated, that Tim’s behaviour was not normal, that him keeping me away and not talking to me was not good for either of us, I knew that Tim was unwell and he was lying a lot at the time, he had said he was resigned from work to be our mothers carer, but in fact he was still employed.

I said to him that I held him fully accountable for the situation our mother and Tim were being left in at the time, that mother and him living together alone was not safe, and that if we did not do something to change this, I was worried that something really bad would happen

The worst thing possible did

Tim died 10 days later on October 30th 2020 at around 1:30pm in the afternoon.

https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/18835583.body-recovered-sea-off-west-beach-road-shoreham/

The police knocked on my door around 3:30 in the afternoon, the officer coincidentally was PC Dan Gayle, the same officer who had visited my mother’s house with me back when Tim was in hospital, as soon as a could see through my front door it was the police, I knew in my gut something terrible had happened.

He came in and broke the news to me that Tim was no longer with us, I was in shock, my mind was racing and I wondered if my mother was ok. He proceeded to tell me that Tim had been spotted in the water, just off Shoreham Beach at Wide water, that he had been pronounced dead at the scene. He said he was very sorry and informed me how he was identified, he then asked if he had a boat?

He told me I was the first family member notified, as next of kin. I asked if they had been to my mothers, where he was living at the time and they said no, they said they had been to the flat where he used to live.

I then asked them to come with me to break the news to my mother, I also did not know what I was going to find when I showed up.

When we got there, we could hear Charlie, my brothers dog barking, all the lights were off, I knocked on the door and my mother answered, she only opened the door, and said “You can’t come in, he will be home in a minute” it was now around 4:00pm

I tried to get her to let me in, explaining I had the police with me, but she refused.  So I said to the police officer to go in and that we would wait outside.

About 5 mins later my sister and nephew showed up and went inside.  My nephew then came out of the house and was pacing up and down in the drive on his phone, he then went back in.

 

Next the Police officer came out and said “I’ve told your mum, she seems ok but your sister might get a doctor out just to make sure” she has said for you to go, that she will call you in a few days, that call never came.

Just a few hours after Tim was found, our oldest brother, posted this on facebook.

I know now why he did this, it’s because that’s what he and his mother want everyone to believe, that he took his own life because he was in debt and smoked too much weed.

As many people who know him will well know, he smoked weed since his teens, and when he passed, he was NOT in debt, he was in credit. I know this for a fact as I have the probate report. The autopsy report also showed no signs of alcohol or drugs.

My Facebook went crazy, me and Tim travelled the world together, and have many mutual friends on there from all over the world, also many of the young people we worked with too. I could not believe what was happening.

I waited the three days for my mother to call, totally in the dark, with the police now sharing no information with me, they were saying that I had to speak to the next of kin, my mother!

I called her, she answered I said “Hello, Mum, what’s going on!” she said, “What do you mean?” I said “Mum, I’ve been in the dark since I left your house a couple of days ago, the police will not tell me anything, when did you last see Tim? What happened that day?” she said, “I blame you, and Sacha” and put the phone down.

There were a few calls over the next few days, It would take another whole blog to tell you everything, but what happened next was the most painful experience of my life, I was told I was not welcome at my brothers funeral, they started organise everything without me.

I showed up on the day, obviously, I was not going to not show up for my brother’s funeral. When we got there, we were not let in the building, I had friends with me but did not want to cause any scene so said we stand outside to greet the other mourners.

It was held on a tiny cheap budget in a chapple in an office building in east Worthing, only 20 or 30 people max due to covid, but they could have streamed it, but chose not to. I was not the only person prevented from mourning that day, some of the young people Tim worked with also showed up but were denied entry.

 

I stood outside and greeted the last mourners as we said we would, then the police showed up. I found out later it was my older brother who called them, reporting us for trying to gain entry. I was completely broken, and disgusted.  We waited with the police officer while the service began. i could feel tims presence so strong standing outside, i could feel his soul burning through me.  we got in the car, i turned the stereo up and drove away playing tims favourite rave tune at full blast, oceanics ‘insanity’ 

My mother, older brother and sister then blamed me for his death, to anyone that would listen to them, saying that he took his own life because I was being horrible to him, when in fact we had been torn apart with no contact  him for 6 months.

I want it to be known, My self and many other family members and friends of Tim do not believe that he took his own life. The Police failed investigate his death, the corner service failed him, this is all due to the actions of his mother saying, that as far as she is concerned, Tim left the house just before 1pm in the afternoon,  walked 25 mins to where he was found, and managed to drown himself, stone cold sober, in broad daylight, with nobody seeing him enter the water in just 10 minuets, when he was then seen by a witness on the beach in the water, trying to swim for shore. 

The events of exactly what happened between Tim passing and his inquest are another blog in it’s self, but this is where my mother lies got very dark, resulting in her lying in her statement for the police for his inquest, a statement that was not taken until 2 months after Tim passed. 

Their lies and deceit all stem from her, I now know everything she says is twisted and untrue.  Her and my siblings did not want Tim to tell people that he had been sexually abused, and especially who by, he was silenced and they have tried to silence me.

I have learnt so much since this time, this journey of discovery that Tim started me upon I am going to finish, and get through it, for us both.

How all became revealed to me, how I started upon my own therapy and understanding of what happened to both of us throughout our lives, is what I will have to cover in my next blog as it’s already getting quite long! I’ve never written this many words in my life, definitely not for an essay at school! Tim would be proud of me.

If you have read this far, I thank you, I want to get it published today, I wanted to do it on my birthday but it was just too much in the end.  That’s 2 years to the day I got that first and only ever phone call from my mother, the day that changed my life, forever.

The next part of this blog will be speaking out about the abuse both my brother and I were subjected to, the physical, emotional and psychological abuse that we suffered at the hands of the person who was supposed to love us and protect us the most.

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Written by: mike wall

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wax worx – for the record 1 – mental health, healing and wellbeing

for the record #1 my blog, my story, my truth, my purpose…. So here I am… having just gone through 2 of the most traumatic years of my life, it was not until my brother Tim opened up about his past, that I was even able to begin to look at, let alone comprehend my own past wounds and trauma. the story involves, child abuse, sexual abuse, and growing up […]

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