wax worx – for the record 5 – My big bro, My Superhero!

for the record #5

My Big Bro, my Superhero! 

I wrote the following letter three years ago today, 6 months before he passed, Tim had said that his therapist had asked him to ask his close family to all write him a letter, and to say what they think has changed about him in the last few years.

This is what I wrote for him.

“My big bro, my superhero

Before I write about what changes I have seen in you these few years I want you to know you’re still my super hero.

I count my blessings each and everyday for having such a loving, caring family around me, and it fills me with pride when I think of how you put others before yourself, not just in your work but everyday life, and just what a kind and genuine person you naturally are.

I have always looked up to you, you know that, I always wanted to be just like my big brother Tim, and that has not changed. I would not be the man I am today if it was not for the love, support and friendship we have shared over the years, especially after losing pops. All the adventures we have shared around the world, all of the mischief and scrapes that we have gotten into along the way, have helped shape me, and make the well rounded person that I am, so thank you, for being the best big brother I could ever ask for.

I have been racking my brain to try and think of when you really seemed to change, changed from the bubbly, outgoing, fun loving, adventurous brother I know and love, to become, well, a bit boring to be fair! You stopped wanting to go out at all, saying it was because you did not want to drink, but it seemed like you just really did not want to socialise at all. I guess the first time I can clearly remember thinking this was in 2016 when I was DJing at Wildlife Festival in Shoreham, I asked you to come and you said that you were too old to go raving! I remember thinking, it’s not just any rave! It’s a Festival in your hometown, literally behind our house, and your little brother is playing! 

I don’t remember thinking around this time anything other than you being a bit boring, it’s more the last couple of years that you seem to have become more recluse and unhappy.

I have seen the change in you from the stress caused by your job, to not going out at all, to falling into a routine of working, coming home and not going out at all other than to walk the dog and our annual brotherly bike ride.

I think really for me the last year I have been more worried, you have still always been the kind loving brother that you are, but you seemed to become more snappy, grumpy and sad.

I know we have always been close, and recently you have opened more to me about your feelings which is great, I hope you will continue to talk more openly with me as it seems from what you have said, you now realise you have not been happy, been yourself for quite some time.

More recently I have seen a positive change in you! As I said, you have been talking and opening up more to all of us around you, you have more energy, like you said the other day a spring in your step! there’s a glint of that old big brother monkey mojo back!

The last thing I have to say that I noticed is your apparent growing lack of interest in dating. My brother was always the womaniser! a lad around town albeit a gentleman rogue!

I really do believe that you will find love if you leave yourself open to it, the right girl will come along bro!, you’re too much of a catch to be left on a shelf and I think you should put yourself back out there.

I say that because I love you, and all I want for you is to be as happy as I am, now that I have found my soulmate. Everybody needs somebody to love!